A Modest Proposal for Memorable Holiday Cards

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:

Hansel and Gretel Baby Food Stylists Make Your Baby Look Good Enough to Eat!

It’s holiday card season, which means it’s time to show off your plump offspring. While well meaning, many home cooks and amateur photographers make mistakes when staging the all-important roasting pan baby photograph that could have the unfortunate side effect of bringing Child Protective Services to their artisan-loomed welcome mat. For instance, the roasting pan lid might creep into the shot in an inartistic and deadly way or the lighting unclear (which can happen if you confuse your Anne Geddes Instagram filter with your Texas Chainsaw Massacre filter) or, horrors or horrors, you fail to use seasonal, local, organic produce!

Hansel and Gretel Baby Food Stylists can help you avoid all such missteps. In fact, at Hansel and Gretel Baby Food Stylists, we firmly believe that as long as you have a lightbox, can source farmers’ market produce from farms no more than 7.25 miles away, and roll in a never-ending flow of cash, you can avoid jail time.

At Hansel and Gretel Baby Food Stylists we know you are anxious about getting organic fruits and vegetables that have been amiably raised by MENSA farmers into your baby as soon as possible. We also know how hard this is since you are exclusively breastfeeding (either until your baby gets accepted into an Ivy League institution or you are stopping at 10 years because, based on their occasional intrauterine thumb-sucking, your pediatrician has already told you that the best you can hope for is a state school), so we do the next best thing, we put that genius-harvested produce ON your baby!

To give you just a taste of what you can expect from our Braising Cain photo packages, we have Boeuf Babygnon, Child con Carne, Cassoubébé, and Coq au Vinfant, all of which include: 1. All the necessary produce personally procured by us from local farms and co-ops; 2. The whimsically-placed Williams-Sonoma hot pads; and 3. A Le Creuset Dutch oven custom dyed to match your baby’s eyes.

Note: since our large jar supplier has suddenly gone out of business, we have sadly had to discontinue our wildly popular Make Way for Duckling Confit package, but we are over-the-moon to be able to replace it with our most exciting package yet: Lobster Newborn! (Price A.Q.)

At Hansel and Gretel, we rigorously honor all food allergies, limitations, and diets. If you have a peanut allergy, we will steer you clear of our Peanut, Baby & Jelly Sandwich package and instead suggest the Baby, Lettuce & Tomato Sandwich. This tasty bit of nosh will nestle your little slice of babecon among crisp leaves of Little Gem lettuces that have been rinsed in coconut water and rolled dry in Egyptian cotton towels and layer him or her with moist slices of heirloom tomatoes (you do have the option of using Early Girls for those adorably impatient preemies).

And since babies, through no fault of their own, aren’t vegetarian, we at Hansel and Gretel are thrilled to offer our vegetarian and vegan families a tofu-molded replica of your baby! (For the It’s a Soy! package, please be sure to send us your baby’s measurements, their first three ultrasounds, and their APGAR. We will also need close-ups of any birthmarks you’d like specifically like represented on your tofu baby’s skin. For strawberry birthmarks we use fraises des bois juice from Happy Go Mucky Farm and for all others we use stabilized shavings of Valrhona chocolate, either milk or 78% bitter, depending on the precise shade of said birthmark.)

In addition to everything you get above, our Berkeley, CA studio is fully loaded with an extremely photogenic AGA Legacy Range, capacious and highly-polished All-Clad stockpots, Heath serving plates and bowls, and for that final touch we even employ an entire team of expert freelance chive crossers. (Also, Hansel and Gretel Baby Food Stylists promises to never use duct tape on your baby. Multi-colored, hand-woven, Baker’s twine around her cute little piggies, yes. Duct tape, no.)

Now that the holiday season is crushing down on you and robbing you of every will to live, you are understandably busy. Just remember: not only will you get high-gloss Braising Cain photographs out of this deal, but your baby is now ready to play the part of the centerpiece at all your holiday parties. Just pop a handful of belladonna-spiked* teething tablets in your baby’s mouth, and your little one will be quiet for hours. (*You know they’re safe because they’re in the homeopathic aisle!)

Please follow the trail of gluten-free sourdough breadcrumbs to Hansel and Gretel Baby Food Stylists, we can’t wait to serve you.

Stephanie V.W. Lucianovic: Writer, Editor, Glutton