1: Queequeg, Moby-Dick
Why not: Will not actually have sex with you.
2: Lily Bart, The House of Mirth
Why: Looks great; laughs at your jokes.
Why not: Do you really want to encourage her to drink?
3: The Caterpillar, Alice in Wonderland
Why: Has hookah.
Why not: Bogarts hookah.
4: Esther Summerson, Bleak House
Why: If you puke, will hold your hair and never tell anyone.
Why not: Veils not festive.
5: Thoreau, Walden
Why: Parties benefit from at least one guy who can’t get off the philosophy.
Why not: Will leave weird baleful poetry on the magnetic poetry board.
6: Every Single Character in Little Women except for Amy
Why: Will bring good snacks; have always wanted to introduce Jo and Queequeg
Why not: Meg=total frenemies with Lily.
8: Nana, Nana
Why: Hot underpinnings; will let you peek for francs.
Why not: Might leave Thoreau a broken shadow of his former self.
9: Lydia Bennet, Pride and Prejudice
Why: Good with soldiers; high animal spirits.
Why not: Always trying to steal your boyfriend.
10: Glencora Palliser, The Pallisers Series
Why: Curly hair, round eyes, very good with horse reins.
Why not: Can’t invite Burgo Fitzgerald (not actually a downside).
11: Ralph Touchett, Portrait of a Lady
Why: Will set up in the most coveted quiet corner and be deliciously bitchy.
Why not: Bad lungs; will make an offhand comment that completely undoes you.
12: Theron Ware, The Damnation of Theron Ware
Why: We are not going to make fun of Theron Ware, even when he mispronounces “Chopin.”
Why not: Okay it’s probably impossible not to make fun of Theron Ware.
13: Elizabeth Keckley, Behind the Scenes: Thirty Years a Slave and Four Years in the White House
Why: MAJOR side-eye.
Why not: Secretly judging your outfit.
14: Silas Lapham, The Rise of Silas Lapham
Why: Deserves second chance.
Why not: Ham fingers; will spill wine on your carpet.
16: Mr. Holgrave, The House of the Seven Gables
Why: Sexy; total dude; dark secrets; might follow you on instagram.
Why not: Absolutely no reason why not, totally invite this guy.
17: Count Fosco, The Woman in White
Why: Brings mice; chats up your dowdy single friend all night.
Why not: Brings Percival Glyde; might fall down the stairs.
18: Augustine St. Clare, Uncle Tom’s Cabin
Why: Socially gracious; ideologically repulsive.
Why not: Socially gracious; ideologically repulsive.
19: Wemmick, Great Expectations
Why: Good at decorating; won’t snitch on your behavior at the office.
Why not: Post-office mouth + Chex Mix = Messy
20: Isabel Archer, The Portrait of a Lady
Why: Universally beloved; will enter party by pausing gracefully in the doorframe.
Why not: Will go home with asshat statement-facial-hair guy.
21: Carrie Meeber, Sister Carrie
Why: Looks good in a mirror; can use Hurstwood’s credit cards to buy nice hostess gift.
Why not: Hurstwood will mope outside the picture window.
23: Lucy Westenra, Dracula
Why: Might bring Kate Moss.
Why not: Undead; will definitely fight with Lydia over your boyfriend.
24: Alec D’Urberville, Tess of the D’Urbervilles
Why: Super cute; has a nice horse.
Why not: Rapey.
25: Any woman from a Poe Story
Why: Pale; hot.
Why not: Teeth might fall out at any minute.